Christian Counsel for Families of Individuals with Same Sex Attraction

Transcript (edited for readability).

Turn with me, if you would, to the outline provided for you in your packet: Christian Counsel for Families of Individuals with Same-Sex Attraction. During the dinner hour, I was privileged to talk with a couple of folks who said, "My son, my daughter, my husband has come out. I can't wait to hear what you're going to say." No pressure. About 50% of the world has absolutely no interest in what I'm going to say, because, as we've heard repeatedly, about 50% of the world or more — 70% of the millennials — believe that homosexual behavior and gay marriage are absolutely 100% okay, or, in the words of some of my college students, "they don't speak a lot," okay?

But what I have to say tonight is going to, I believe, be useful to families who belong to the other 50% of the population whose beliefs do not allow them to embrace same-sex marriage. And tonight I'd like to invite you to think carefully with me about bearing witness compassionately to a growing population of homosexual individuals who need, as my colleague just mentioned, the life and the forgiveness of Jesus Christ just as much as anyone else on planet Earth.

Countless homosexual Christians are in our churches, and for many of us we're unaware that they are there. For many pastors, you are unaware that they are there. And it represents an enormous personal risk for them to self-identify, because then they have to wait to see how it is you're going to respond — a huge risk indeed. And, as Hal suggested, they understand that they are sinners, born of the consequences of the fall, and bearing in their bodies the consequences of sin just like the rest of us.

I've just come to this conference from Concordia University of Wisconsin's faculty retreat, where we had Dr. John Nunes as our keynote speaker. He was talking about members of the Lutheran Church—Missouri Synod, and he said, "You know what LCMS stands for, don't you?" I had no idea what he came up with: "Love Covers a Multitude of Sins." I hadn't heard that before.

Members of the Lutheran Church—Missouri Synod believe, according to God's Word, that the active practice of homosexual behavior and the pursuit of homosexual relationships is contrary to God's will for us, and that Jesus Christ offers to repentant sinners full and free forgiveness that He has purchased, and that we are all simul justus et peccator — sinner-saints, people who are loved, people for whom Christ died. And perhaps that is the lens through which we have to regard every homosexual who crosses our path: this is a person for whom Christ died. It changes the equation in powerful ways.

My remarks this evening are intended for parents, perhaps for pastors, or family members, or friends who need to keep vigil with other family members who have come out, or for family members who have a loved one who is a homosexual. These comments will be most useful for people who are not okay with gay marriage and who cannot approve of the lifestyle. We are also right to make an assumption that anyone coming out to his parents or to her friends needs Christian love and gentleness, and a patient and humble hearing of their story.

So we need to talk together on another occasion about how to provide even more assistance for the individual who struggles, but tonight we're going to talk about those who keep vigil. We need to move beyond our stereotypes long enough to imagine the challenge for the gay man or the gay woman who's been dreading the conversation — and the conversation which is dreaded is the conversation with mom or dad or brother or sister: "I'm gay." The dread can last for years and years, and sometimes the conversation doesn't happen when someone is in his or her late teens or 20s or 30s. The conversation is happening when people are in their 40s and in their 50s. That's a lot of dread. That's a lot of secrecy. That's a lot of personal isolation for anyone to bear.

And, as we heard from Joe, these are individuals who most likely have a history of being teased and bullied and rejected by peers, called unfriendly names, pointed at, scoffed about, and made to feel like dirt by those who are different from them. And many of these same individuals have wondered what same-sex attraction will mean for the rest of their lives.

In my clinical practice, I spent more time talking with families who had gay sons and daughters coming out. But I also spent a good amount of time talking with gay individuals who were not seeking counseling from me. They, in fact, said — in the words of one young 19-year-old woman, preparing to go to college, who came to my clinical setting — "You know, I think — I'm not sure, but I think I'm a lesbian." She's a member of one of our Lutheran high schools in town. She said, "I've never engaged in any sexual activity with a male or with a female. I haven't asked for a female roommate at school. I've never been on a date with a male or a female. I just don't want to screw up. I don't want to make bad decisions until I can figure it all out." She said, "I'm going to remain celibate for one semester." I thought planning was good. And she said, "And I'm going to continue to go to church, and to be sure I go to church, I'm going to join the choir, because I know I have to be there and I know I have to hear God's Word, even when I don't want to hear it so much. I'm going to join the choir. But you know what else I'm going to do? I'm going to join the gay-lesbian alliance at school too. I think I need to hear both sides of the story, and I need to know more about others like me, because I don't know any other homosexual people now, but what I've read says it can be scary, and I don't have a guide to any of this."

So her plan was to date one man the first semester and one woman the first semester, and then make some choices. The young woman is exceptionally bright, has a straight-A average — extremely bright, rational young woman. And I asked, "How can I help you with sorting this out?" "Oh, I'm not here for me. I'm here for my parents. I'm going to tell them right before I go to school, the night before I leave." And her language was, "My mom is going to go totally mental. And so I'd like to make an appointment for my mom with you, because I think you'll get her, and I think she'll get you. And I wanted you to get me, so you don't think I'm some sort of flaming, screaming lesbian idiot." One 19-year-old.

I made a few observations as I talked with a number of young gay individuals who were there to care for their parents — interestingly enough, very few sought care for me for their own personal needs. A few observations: Many adolescents have had fleeting same-sex attractions, and as a result of experiencing those fleeting same-sex attractions, they have come to the conclusion that they are homosexuals. This morning we talked about the fact that — what, 70% — may have had some sort of exposure to a same-sex behavior, activity, or impression. Only 17% of those individuals actually become practicing homosexuals. Being a homosexual individual does not necessarily mean that one is sexually active. Sometimes, particularly among people in my generation, the boomers, there's an instant equation: homosexuality equals gay behavior. It's not always true. Don't leap to conclusions. Being homosexual does not necessarily mean that the young man or the young woman endorses same-sex marriage — there's no guarantee of that either. And being a homosexual does not mean that one has abandoned one's faith. Being homosexual does mean that one has same-sex attractions on a rather regular basis, and being homosexual does mean that one must choose how to respond to temptation — the same challenge every single one of us faces every single day about our own pet sins. We choose how to respond to temptation, and we are given certain tools and resources, certainly, by a good and loving God.

This young woman who was preparing to come out to her parents before leaving for college taught me a great deal, and I kept in contact with her through her college years. I was taken by her language about coming out. She says, "You know what coming out means? It means coming out of a closet. A closet is a suffocating place. It has no light, and it has no air, and it has no hope, and it is insulating, and it's ugly, and it's horrible. No one lives in a closet except the garbage." Perceptive. To come out is to move beyond feeling like garbage. To come out is to move beyond hiding. To come out is to choose not to lie about oneself anymore, because it's just too painful. For some who come out, it's a time of new birth into a time of hope and new possibility.

As adult children come out, it's also a time of great uncertainty. The 19-year-old young lady said, "You know what my single greatest fear is, after my mom goes mental? My parents are paying for my college education." And she says, "That is the only thing at this point that is preventing me from being totally honest. And even if I date a woman this semester and I fall madly in love with her, I don't think I can tell them that. I need to finish college." Interesting, isn't it? She said, "I fear they may hate me. I fear they may reject me." But she said, "I know our family will never be the same." So let's be aware that from the perspective of the individual coming out, it is a trepidatious time.

One mom came in to see me after learning that her 27-year-old son was a practicing homosexual. She was devastated. She sobbed throughout our conversation. She told me, "He has always been artistic. He has always been gifted. He has always been a wonderful boy — bright, funny, capable. He always hung out with the girls, though, ever since he was in elementary school. He's never been athletic. My husband always put him down because of that. And he told us he's living with another man who's 55 years old. I can't bear it. I want to die. How do I go on? Why do I go on? This is my only child. What do I tell my family? What do I tell my mother? What do I tell my husband?" The son hadn't told dad — he told only mom, and of course made her promise — what? You read my notes.

And then she said something that has forever been like a steak knife in my heart. She said, "It would have been easier if he had died. I love him — how can I say that?" — followed immediately by the question, "What did I do to cause this?" All right, you see the guilt, the trepidation, the fear. When I asked how it could possibly be easier if her son had died, she explained, "Well, think about it with me. His death would have resulted in flowers, in a caravan of casseroles. It would have resulted in the support and the love of the family. There would have been cards and cakes, and everyone would have gathered around me to comfort me, and everyone would have told me what a wonderful young man he was, and how bright with promise he was, and how tragic to have lost him so early in his life. The pastor would pray for us during a service that all our friends would attend, and people would float in and out of our family life to encompass us with love at a time we could barely function. We would grieve, but we would recover."

She went on to tell me that if other Christian friends learn your son is a homosexual, you can expect one eyebrow to be raised in suspicion. You can expect disbelief. You can expect disdain. You can expect a remarkably painful silence, filled with rhetoric-free silence, as heads tilt in disbelief. And she said, "And you can bet no one's bringing casseroles." She concluded, "Having my son come out means that I will live with shame and silence and this horrible secret for the rest of my life." And she's bearing that alone — she did not choose to tell her husband.

Although each family has unique ways of responding to how it is that someone comes out, there are some common challenges the parents face, and I think it's helpful for us to know about them — whether you are a family member affected by a son or daughter coming out, whether you are a spouse of someone coming out. There are similar themes, and even if you are a loving, caring, pew-sitting church member, you now know that somebody who's walking through this cannot and need not be alone.

I use the phrase "emotional tsunami," and that's the closest phrase I can find to describe what happens to a family as an adult child comes out. Very often there's complete jaw-dropping disbelief, followed quickly thereafter by emotional turmoil and discontent. Some parents use language that says, "Life as I knew it has ended." Think about that — what kind of a catastrophic statement is that? "My son's sins — my life has ended." My son's sins. Let's move through repentance and remorse and forgiveness and sanctification. "My life has ended. There is no hope." For moms, there is shock watered with tears. For dads, men feel enormous personal embarrassment. The dads feel a tremendous sense of betrayal, great shame. In the families that I worked with, it was not unusual for dads to respond with complete disgust toward their sons. Or, worse yet, parents respond with phrases they wish they could take back, and they say things that are forever burned onto the hard disk of their son or their daughter — phrases that sound like, "How could you do this to me?" "Homosexuals rot in hell." Or the one that's remarkably damaging: "I thought you told me you were a Christian." Ordinarily, most parents are finally able to choke out, at some point, the emotional reassurances that are necessary: "I love you. We'll find our way through this together. You are God's baptized child, and He will provide what's required, one day at a time, for every single day that we need to work on this together. I will be by your side, if you will allow it." And those are words that are not often said, or are said much, much later.

In the days that follow a coming out, parents can expect that there will be sleep disruption, appetite disruption, sadness, tearfulness, inability to think clearly — life turns into a spinning buzz of details that are lost. People are mesmerized, replaying in great detail everything they heard their child say the day before. So this loss of hope and demoralization and self-pity and anger spins, and those are completely normal responses.

The new normal replaces life. When someone has come out in the family, what seems to happen is the family morphs into a new normal, acknowledging that the person they thought they knew is gone. Some use this language: "The child I raised is dead." Yet their child is still the gifted, loving person to whom they have always been devoted. Parents most particularly grieve. They grieve the loss of hopes. They grieve the loss of dreams, stretching across the years. Parents grieve what they will never have — the loss of a traditional church wedding, the loss of grandchildren, the loss of Thanksgiving dinners where everyone is content with everyone else. I don't think they've seen many normal families, quite honestly — dueling drumsticks seem to be featured in Thanksgiving dinners. And the new normal often means that the family obsesses in grief and is incapable of joy. That's not a good place for a Christian family to rest. They may withdraw from friends. They may live in silent silos of their own creation, and they desperately need information about a topic they never wanted to know anything about, never considered relevant until now.

Ordinarily, after hearing the news, a parent launches upon an incredible escapade to search for information. What is homosexuality? And the internet gets a workout unlike it's ever seen. What causes this? Who causes it? Whose fault is it? Can it be cured? Is it genetic? What is a homosexual lifestyle? What does the Bible actually say about it? And the cyber searches last long into the night. And sadly, much of the information that families will glean from their internet search will be passionately false and occasionally dangerous. And the other information that may be valid, that they do glean from their search, would profit from explanation by a pastor, would profit from explanation by a trained counselor, or at a minimum a friend.

Many find it very difficult to talk with anyone. Families with whom I've spoken say, "We're not telling the grandparents. We're not telling the aunts and uncles. This is our family secret." Even the prospect of talking with one's pastor is, for family members, considered daunting. Parents have told me, "Well, I know what my pastor would say — why would I want to see him?" Perhaps in your preaching and your bulletins and your service letters to your congregations, you can assure them that you are a remarkably good resource, available for wisdom and counsel and sharing and prayer and blessing and encouragement and support in the very gospel of Jesus Christ. Wouldn't that be refreshing?

Some parents have come to believe the church is anti-gay. The church represents all that is good, right, and salutary, and, as Hal suggested, that comes in two flavors — law and gospel — titrated accordingly to the wisdom the Spirit gives the pastor. Some families simply settle for an internet blitz, and they are boggled by screen after screen that shocks and frightens and accuses. And as they gather information they discover it is far larger than they imagined, and they begin to feel as if there is no hope. There's a sense of resignation that they have forever surrendered their child to this cannibalistic monster called homosexual behavior. They do need someone to tell them, "Don't believe everything you read" — particularly from the LGBT community, or from the far, far, far radical right — we're just kind of on the right, right? Some groups bearing an internet presence that is completely hostile, that is completely devoid of the gospel, is not particularly healthy for anybody.

There are some spiritual implications of same-sex attraction that we do need to discuss together — one of them being: just as a heterosexual individual can be attracted to another of the opposite sex, and may be tempted to engage in behavior outside the bounds of holy wedlock, and must make a choice regarding how it is he or she is going to respond to the temptation before him or her, the homosexual faces identical temptations, only to members of the same sex. I love Luther's comment about temptation — he made the observation that you can't prevent the birds of the air from flying overhead, but you can surely prevent them from making a nest in your hair. Right — there's some degree of control.

So family members are wise to begin the conversation about spiritual matters with a desire to talk about living a life of repentance as a forgiven sinner, just like the rest of us, every single day. The conversation is about love, grace, daily repentance, mercy, and the gifts of Christ, received as God's Word is preached faithfully and His sacraments are administered rightly.

Here's the danger that some parents have endorsed: the danger is to imagine that once an adult son or daughter repents, it's over and done with. "There, we've taken care of that. You've repented, you've been forgiven, fine, life returns to normal." The problem is one is not just going to repent once or twice and be cured of the temptation to sin. If so, I want to touch you — that'd be amazing. Some speculate: if repentance were genuine, why wouldn't he just get over SSA? If it were genuine repentance, he wouldn't deal with it anymore, would he? Oh yes, he would, right? So shouldn't someone just be able to make up their mind and stop? Answered simply: no.

Naturally, Christian parents are concerned about the salvation of their child, and the clinical conversations that I've had always focused on the parents' genuine fear that their SSA — same-sex attraction — child will not go to heaven. Notice, I'm going to start saying SSA instead of homosexual. Our language matters. Our language is either something that invites trust and builds relationships, or it is used instead as something with which we bludgeon people, and we bring stereotypes of the worst sort into the conversation when we least desire and intend to do so. SSA has not yet built up centuries of negative stereotypes. Use that language when talking with your sons and daughters. "You're a homosexual, aren't you?" versus "So you're telling me you have same-sex attraction" — it makes it even easier to respond to. Language matters.

Some parents are angry with God for not answering their prayer on behalf of their SSA child. Some parents with a history in the church will seek fellowship in another body of Christians. One young man told me, "I'm going to join an ELCA church. Their pastors are okay with me doing what I do. I need to go to church. I need to commune. I need to pray. I need to sing the hymns of the church. I love the liturgy of the church. I just can't do it at my church anymore." So they are hurt. The churches that teach "God is love, God loves you just the way you are" — sadly, our churches that are preaching a lawless gospel put many young people at risk.

I think it's very important, as you keep vigil with a parent who may be struggling through these issues, to recognize that no single parent is going to, by sheer dint of will, change their son or change their daughter. It is the gospel that will change their child. It is God's own Spirit, working through means, that will change their child. Occasionally we try to imagine if we could only say the right thing, if we could do the right thing, if we could adopt the right action plan and strategy, then we'd succeed. There is no one right way to do this. But we do it as best we can as God gives us light. We must trust that an omnipotent God, who took this child by holy baptism into the body of the church, and made him a member of His holy body the church, fed him holy food at the altar, sanctified him, will also call him to repentance in accordance with His will. That's my best perspective. The work of God's Spirit defies our understanding. It defies our timetable, and it invites our trust, and it invites us all the more candidly to pray with passion: Thy will be done.

Yet, nevertheless, families usually come to see me asking, "What should I do? What can I do?" I like talking with families about the account of the prodigal's father. In our church's sermons and in Bible class we spend a good deal of time talking about the prodigal son. I want us to look at the prodigal's father — the account in Luke 15:11 and following is instructive. Usually the prodigal son gets top billing, but I'm going to invite the parents of SSA children to review what it is that the prodigal's father does in response to his son's reckless demands and his profligate behavior.

The prodigal's father does not argue the son out of his wasteful intentions. The prodigal's father does not read him the riot act. The prodigal's father doesn't express his disappointment in wrath and condemn his son. Nor does the prodigal's father disclose months of paternal self-reproach and self-doubt and anger at God. Instead, we learn that when the prodigal returned, his father was moved with compassion and ran towards him and fell on his neck and kissed him. We can only assume that the prodigal's father remained faithful in his prayers, and surrendered his son to the care of the Most Holy Trinity, and that he waited upon the Lord, remaining faithful.

If we read the account carefully, we're going to notice he regarded the prodigal son as dead. Listen to this: "Your brother was dead and is alive again." We have to notice that the father received the prodigal with love before his son had said a word. I think that's very telling, actually — before the son could talk about repentance, the father was there to receive him with love. And the son's humble and sorrowful heart, and the father's forgiveness, and a fatted calf made for a fine day for the prodigal son.

So what's a family to do? A parent begins a time of prayerful, compassionate, loving waiting. A parent loads his SSA child upon his back every single night in prayer and drags him before the throne of our most holy heavenly Father, deposits him before that throne, and prays without ceasing, saying, "Thy will be done." That's what the parent does.

As you interact with the SSA person who has come out, very often families will notice there's a very awkward time. For a while, communication is strained at best. There's an awkwardness in the family that was never there before. Some have referred to it as walking on eggshells — not wanting to affront, not wanting to confront. No one's talking about the ugly elephant in the room. And if a pastor is available with whom a family can talk comfortably, they would profit from consultation with him as a family. Or a family is often likely to profit from consultation with a skilled Christian counselor who can provide something of a strategy for them to move forward with confidence, even if the SSA person they love is moving into a gay relationship.

It's important to bear in mind that if an SSA child is indeed no longer attending a church of any sort, a family member is, most likely, the only way that that SSA person will hear the Word of God for a little bit of time. And family certainly remains a conduit for God's law, and a conduit for the gospel as well. And let's be honest — as much as we know and believe in and love God's Holy Word, if you were a young man who had just come out to your parents, and the next 15 days that you spent together your parents were quoting Bible verses — let me talk with you about 1 Corinthians — well, yeah, right. How well would that go? Your family has to retain its normal life and be aware that a barrage of Bible verses a day will get the idea across, but not well. Right?

Hopefully the parent will continue to encourage and support the child and have interest in the life matters of the child much as before — career issues, life matters other than relationships. Some parents believe that an ongoing relationship with an SSA child is ungodly. Faithful parents worry that their SSA child is going to somehow misinterpret encouragement, love, and support as approval, endorsement — exactly right, and some may. And naturally the Christian parent can't in any way excuse or encourage unrepentant choices. Loving your child is never the same as condoning his sin. Love your child.

It's useful for us to recall that our Lord met routinely and ate with sinners. He didn't expect people to perfect their lives before He interacted with them. Peter's three denials of Christ did not make Peter ineligible for Jesus' love. Jesus engaged the tax collectors and others in conversation, to teach, to provide hope, and to speak the truth in love. We dare not miss God's profound love for those yet in their sin, when we read in Romans 5: "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." So I don't think that we, as parents, ought to have a standard higher than Christ, okay? "You're done with your sin, never going to do it again — okay, I can love you again." All right?

Guidelines matter in families, for parents. Guidelines are useful because they allow the family and the SSA child to share an understanding regarding what behavior is appropriate in the context of this family, under our roof. A son or daughter will know that he or she is welcome when he or she chooses to honor the guidelines that you have established. Notice, "guidelines" is kind of a user-friendly word instead of calling them rules, or laws. Guidelines preempt the need for ongoing negotiations about what may or may not happen during any visit of the SSA child with the family. So there's a conversation with the SSA child about what makes sense, and as parents take God's Word seriously and have perhaps younger children in the home, guidelines can be established unapologetically, because you love your small children as well as your SSA child.

You want to ensure that visits will not result in an affront to your faith, that visits will not start unwelcome conversations with minor children, and guidelines allow everyone to know how they can interact most comfortably with one another, so that the family, as much as it is possible, can keep their small, fragile dinghy afloat. Keep in mind, however, that some SSA adults or children will hear guidelines and will interpret them as unloving, hateful, conditional love — that's their language, "your language is guidelines." At a minimum, for establishing guidelines: always honor your sense of moral propriety, be honest when you are uncomfortable, and make requests without apology. "I'm sorry, but I'm not comfortable having you invite a total stranger to our home — could we meet at a restaurant?" "I'm not sure I want your brothers and sisters to move into this at this point." All right? Make requests, have preferences, and communicate them.

Is your child's partner welcome in your home? If he is not welcome, your SSA child may be angry and disappointed and likely to accuse you of an array of unkindnesses. Your SSA child may refuse to return to your home unless you agree to welcome his partner. What's the right decision? It'd be great to take a vote — what's right? Should they come to the house? Shouldn't they come to the house? Can they bring a partner? Can't they bring a partner? Let's move away from "the right decision" to "what's reasonable for now." All right? And we can generally make good decisions about that — what's reasonable now.

The guidelines for the visit of an SSA son or his partner need to be very clear, and they may include some very simple things like: there will be no displays of affection between you and your partner while you are in our home — no kissing, no hugging, no hand-holding, no long lingering fetching looks, any behavior that would in any way imply that the relationship was sexual. We can't do that in our home with your brothers and sisters. If the visit is to be for more than one day, the partners can remain at your home for the evening, in which case they will be lodged in separate bedrooms, much as if you had your college son bringing his girlfriend home for the weekend — I'm guessing she would get a room of her own at your house. So would a partner in this case. You may prefer that they stay at a nearby hotel.

The family conversation will not stray to the SSA relationship, particularly in the presence of the children — discussing homosexuality, sexual mores, the gay lifestyle, or any kind of "gay evangelical" invitational remarks to younger children. And if the conversation enters unwelcome territory, the conversation stops without apology, and it stops like this: "I'm sorry, that's all we're going to be talking about on this matter for tonight." Kind of like the traffic cop — you notice when a traffic cop comes to your window? "Good morning. Did you know you were going 20 miles above the speed limit? I'll be right back." And then they go away and have a donut, and then they come back and give you a little pink sheet of paper and say, "This is for you. You have 30 days to respond. It's a $400 ticket. You have a good day now." And then what do they say? "Goodbye." And you say what? "Thank you." Consider the improbability of that. All right. So it is possible to do difficult things in a pleasant way so that everyone understands what role they have to play.

Be aware that our children are increasingly savvy at increasingly tender ages, and very often your children know more about your SSA child than you do. I've had eight-, nine-, ten-, eleven-year-olds who are sitting out in the waiting room as mom and dad come into my office, and an eleven-year-old boy will say, "You know, my brother came out last night, and mom didn't know he was gay. Oh geez, it's a mess. I'm trying to take care of her as best I can." Sometimes your children are far more sophisticated in such matters than we are. All right? If the children include teenagers, it's probably likely they're very sophisticated about the matter. If your children are younger and they don't know anything about the SSA child's nature, or that he or she has come out, it is important that both parents sit down with minor children together, sensitive to age, and speak the truth in love to the child, or your child is likely to infer all kinds of horrific things, ranging from "my parents are getting a divorce" to "I think my older brother killed somebody." Children need information too, but they need to be told in ways that are appropriate: "Your brother told us that he loves another man, and we know that's not God's way and will for us — what do you think about that?" "Ew, that's icky." Healthy inclination, right? "We love your brother dearly, and we know that God loves your brother too, but we know that God doesn't approve of two men being married, does he?" "No." "Good." All right — invite the child to participate in the conversation, and most kids will accept that information very kindly and say, "Oh, cool, all right, what's on TV?" All right? It's the adults who obsess — children don't.

For those SSA individuals who are engaging in a long-term gay relationship, there will be very difficult days for the family. It would not be unusual at times for the SSA child to become belligerent, or to give the family ultimatums, and that becomes heartbreaking for parents, as there are ultimatums that they cannot honor. Your child, for example, may ask that you do things or say things that will violate your conscience. What we need to remember is that our children, no matter how old they become, continue to need our approval, our children continue to need our love, and your SSA child desperately wants your acceptance. But he may ask you to prove your love in ways that are simply wrong. He may ask you to prove that you love him by coming to his wedding, to Jeremy. He may ask that you simply acknowledge his partner as you would any other family member. He may tell you that your failure to participate in his life in these ways will, for him, mean you have rejected him forever — and that's how he's choosing to divide it. And ultimatums are ugly.

Some Christian parents are pushed to a point where they have to make extremely difficult decisions. Some parents can't imagine losing a connection with their son or daughter, and will do anything to preserve the relationship with a homosexual child. Others will say, "We cannot do this. We will wait upon the Lord" — and they do. Before making any final decisions about permanent estrangement from an SSA child, talk to other people whose opinions you respect and trust. Talk with your pastor, talk with a Christian psychologist. Christian counselors are particularly well trained to help parents evaluate these life-changing decisions.

What about therapy? The number one question I get from parents amid the torrent is, "Okay, can we get this fixed?" Parents discover countless resources confirming that if your SSA child has joined the gay community, he or she will have a likelihood of genuine medical risk, emotional dysfunction, spiritual atrophy significantly higher than that which we would find in the traditional population. We know that's true — the research bears that out. Decades of research have underscored the reality that changing one's sexual orientation through reparative therapy is, at best, extremely difficult, and only if there's a true and abiding faith, and only if there's a desire for change — and when there is change, it may be this much. Very rarely do you see complete conversions from homosexual attraction to opposite-sex attraction.

The truth of the matter is the earliest history of reparative therapy for people in the LGBT community was coercive, it was inhumane, it was ineffective, and much of it was immoral. In my community, the counseling community looks at that history of shame and has backed way off from providing any reparative therapy. For a while the American Psychological Association forbade clinical psychologists from offering therapy providing change elements for a homosexual individual unless that individual explicitly requested it. In more recent years, the mental health field has discouraged all therapy that would change homosexuals into heterosexuals.

The pivotal question that usually the gay individual will ask is, "Well, is it possible to change?" What do we know about our God? Yes, all things are possible. And yet I know, for a fact, in terms of the research, the likelihood of change is quite, quite small, and the change that occurs goes from intense same-sex attraction to less same-sex attraction. So very often the change is in very small increments, but rarely is there conversion to heterosexuality that stays.

Christian parents need to keep in mind that they don't serve their SSA child by demanding or insisting on therapy. The 19-year-old girl I began talking with you about at the beginning of the presentation wrote me a letter after she'd been at school for about six weeks. She had corresponded with her parents via email. The conversation had been very difficult. She had, in fact, dated both a man and a woman, and she decided, "I guess I am a lesbian." She shared that with her parents, and her parents said that unless she agreed to reparative therapy, they would, beginning next semester, stop their complete support for her college education. Do not coerce your SSA child to change — it defeats what love is all about. So try not to move in that direction if it's possible. We do not serve SSA individuals by humiliating them or insisting on therapy.

If, however, an SSA individual is interested in therapy, by all means suggest work with a competent Christian counselor. Talking about therapy, however, is not the place to begin with your SSA child, unless it's, "This must be a remarkably difficult time for you. I can't imagine what it's like." Very often, when individuals are confronted with situations in life that overwhelm them, they seek some assistance in processing it and thinking through it. "Would a counselor be helpful? Is that okay?" "Yeah, that's okay" — because you're saying, "I see turmoil, and I see distress, and I see depression, and I see anxiety. I don't want you to be alone when you're responding to that." As opposed to saying, "You are a homosexual. You are going to counseling tomorrow, mister. All right, we're going to get that fixed."

A well-trained Christian psychologist or therapist has a number of useful strategies for remaining healthy in the whirlwind created when an adult SSA child comes out, and therapists assist families to understand more about homosexuality — its development, the research regarding the genetic implications and determination. For the record: do your genes determine homosexual behavior? Studies of identical twins — sorry, no, they do not. They contribute to a predisposition which, in concert with culture, can result in an individual moving toward SSA behavior. But genes alone determine nothing singularly.

And so getting help for parents and friends is help that gets them the right information. The best help for any Christian remains in the comfort and confidence that God is going to provide everything required. One father said to me that that is the most naive, innocent — he filled in the blank with something else — that he had ever heard. And it is a test of faith, and it is tribulation, and we need to be sure that parents are coming to God's altar to receive His Holy meal, for their forgiveness, for their strength, at a time when the world appears to be falling away right before their very eyes. Parents need to be encouraged to turn to God, the one who does not change, in the midst of all of their changes. And to God the parents bring their fears and their helplessness and their despair and even their rage, knowing that they will find comfort there.

And in the midst of the turmoil and uncertainty, we need to make a basic choice as parents or friends: we can choose to live in fear, or we can live in hope. I would recommend hope 100% of the time — that is what our God gives us. We can live in turmoil, or we can live in peace. It is a choice, by the way. And God doesn't promise us happiness, but He says, "My peace I leave with you," and some parents are going to need pastoral assistance, or the assistance of friends, to find that peace.

And as time passes, when that SSA son or daughter or husband or cousin comes out, parents are going to be challenged to demonstrate love at a time they feel hurt, betrayal, and confusion, and they discover that they are going to move forward, and they can resume their life, if and only if they surrender the life and the well-being of their SSA child to God the Father — complete surrender of their child to the care, the keeping, and the will of God the Father. It is He who will call their son to repentance. It is He who can change a son by the power of the gospel, and He who has already proven His eternal love. And so one waits upon the Lord — not easily done.

You'll find in the very back of your outline a bibliography for Christian counsel and resources on homosexuality that includes some basic resources that will be useful. As usual, I've talked a little longer than I should have. It's what I do. It's who I am.